Why you should stop complimenting people on their weight loss

Lily Collins in 'To The Bone', coming to Netflix on July 14th

"Have you lost weight?" When you see somebody who looks slimmer than when you last saw them, this seems like the obvious question to ask. It's a compliment, isn't it? Why would you not say it? 

I understand that this is a lot of people's line of thinking, and my purpose is not to insult anyone or to make anyone feel guilty. I don't think complimenting people on their weight loss or gain in a positive way makes you a bad person. I just want to make you aware that there could be repercussions, so it would be better for us to stop this manner of complimenting altogether.

*trigger warning* - discussion of eating disorders.

While you're reading this, you might naturally make an assumption that I just want to put straight right away: I do not have an eating disorder. Under normal circumstances, I have a healthy appetite and get a lot of enjoyment out of food. However, there are some circumstances in which I do have difficulty eating and lose weight as a result (this weight comes straight back on when I am in a different mindset). When this happens, people tend to comment enthusiastically on my weight loss, obviously intending to be complimentary, and while I was reflecting on this, I saw the trailer for 'To The Bone', an upcoming Netflix movie starring Lily Collins as a patient suffering from anorexia. Just as suicide became more widely discussed following the release of '13 Reasons Why', I predict that 'To The Bone' will prompt discussion surrounding eating disorders, so it seemed relevant to write a post with people with eating disorders in mind. And while I'm sure that somebody far more intelligent than I am has discussed the topic of weight compliments somewhere, I personally think this issue is not discussed nearly enough. Because while a throwaway compliment about weight may make a small dent in my confidence, to someone with an eating disorder it could be detrimental.

Before we get into people with eating disorders, lets first talk about people like me, who experience unforeseen changes in their weight. Firstly, somebody may not be happy with their change in weight, and so reminding them of it is can damage their confidence.  This applies both to people who have unintentionally lost weight and to people who are naturally slim but unexpectedly gain weight are told they look so much better with "meat on their bones". While someone may look good to you, you never know how they are feeling about their own body, and so whenever you mention weight loss or gain you need to be aware that it can be a sensitive topic.

Now, here's where I made the connection between my unplanned weight loss and eating disorders. I do not lose weight through clean eating and hours in the gym. When I lose weight, it's because I am not healthy. Therefore, when you tell me that I look better after my weight loss, what you are really saying is "you look worse when you are healthy". I was a perfectly healthy weight before, but sometimes I worry that once I gain the weight back, I'm going to be "fat". Which, of course, is a ridiculous thing to worry about - why should I prioritise what other people think looks good over my health? - but when you live in such an image-conscious society, these things do cross your mind. Now, say somebody already has it in their head that they would look better if they stopped eating. So they stop eating and quickly lose weight. How would being congratulated on this weight loss affect them? Short answer: it would encourage them to continue to not eat.

Something that is often forgotten is that people with eating disorders can be any size. A person can suffer from an eating disorder and be either normal or overweight. In these cases weight loss, at least initially, is not perceived by others to be an eating disorder. We are bombarded with images of celebrities (who already have a strict diet and exercise regime) that are airbrushed and/or surgery modified to appear thinner. With this in mind, and the fact that an estimated 1 in 3 women on our television screens are underweight, our tolerance for thinness is very high. Therefore, when a person of a healthy weight begins to lose weight, it is initially seen as a positive change rather than a red flag. This is especially true if the sufferer appears overweight, in which case it is generally assumed based on their appearance that they are healthier (with an eating disorder) than they were before. What I'm trying to say here is that it is so easy to not realise that somebody has an eating disorder. Just because a person does not necessarily look scarily thin or skeletal, it doesn't mean that they are not suffering from an eating disorder. And just because it hasn't gone too far yet, it certainly doesn't mean it never will. So while you think you may be complimenting somebody who is losing weight in a healthy way, unless you know for certain, you need to play it safe.

Now, I'm not saying you should stop complimenting people on their looks, or even on their body. If  you know for certain that somebody has made healthy changes to their diet and lifestyle in a deliberate attempt to lose or gain weight, by all means congratulate them on their hard work and let them know it's paying off. But unless you have discussed somebody's diet and exercise regime with them recently, please don't assume that they have gained or lost weight in a healthy way. If you think somebody looks great "you look great/amazing/beautiful" is a good way to compliment them. If you want to comment on their body, compliment their "figure" or their "shape". I appreciate those of you that have ever commented on someone's weight thinking that it will make them feel better about themselves, because I know that your intentions were good. But in future, when you're complimenting someone please avoid using the word 'weight'. You never know what's going on inside someone's head.